KIIARRA, with over 1.1 billion streams worldwide, is known for her smash hit “Gold” and, more ... [+]
There was this song in 2015 in an apple watch ad with Chloë Sevigny that was so catchy it made you want to look it up immediately. When you did, you found out it was a song called “Gold” by an 18-year old named Kiara Saulters, known professionally as Kiiara. She put the song up late one night on SoundCloud, after a three song session with a few friends, expecting maybe 1,000 people would listen to it. It later shot to number 5 on the Billboard U.S. Top 40 and went triple platinum. It also led to Kiiara signing a deal with Atlantic Records.
Soon after she had a few more singles that were also hits including songs like “Whippin,”“'Wish List,” and “Darkside,” yet perhaps her most recognized collaboration was with her longtime idols, Linkin Park, on “Heavy,” which earned them a nomination for Top Rock Song at the 2018 Billboard Music Awards. Chester Bennington, lead singer of Linkin Park, became a mentor and friend to Kiiara. She says, “He was someone I always looked up to and then when I met him, you know how they say ‘don't meet your heroes, you will be disappointed?’...He was like a light...when he stepped into a room he was like sunshine...he was always such great energy.”
In October 2020, she released her debut album, lil kiiwi, and just this week, she announced her collaboration with Felix Cartal called Happy Hour. It comes out on February 5.
Kiiara's Instagram post announcing her new collaboration with Felix Cartal, Happy Hour.
Yet, while that is the narrative you may know about Kiiara and is the one you see on the surface, what you might not know is that behind the scenes, she has struggled with her mental health.
She says, “I think a lot of people are talking about [mental health] more now than in the past which is amazing...Because a lot of it, too, if it's not talked about you could feel really alone and alienated...you know? But, the more I feel like people are talking about it and being honest, it's like ‘oh okay, I'm not the only one,’ because it is a very real thing.” She decided to be one of those people speaking out. Given that so many are dealing with similar challenges over Covid-19, telling her story now could potentially help a fan who might read it and see themselves.
Kiiara explains that she has struggled with anxiety, panic, and obsessive compulsive disorder for a long time and has seen a therapist, the same one, for about 15 years. She feels he has really helped her at different times get into a place where she feels good and happy. There were times, she says, even recently, where she would have to go to his office and sit with him to eat a meal because eating would “freak her out” due to anxiety and panic. To cope, she used to also call her mom and she could help talk her down. But, she explains that her mom recently died and that had been incredibly hard as, “now I can’t even call her.” While dealing with that loss has been tremendously difficult, she is thankful that because of Covid-19, she was not touring so she actually was home and got additional time with her. She adds that her brother has been and remains a constant support. He is someone who just “knows you better than yourself.”
Kiiara with her mom
Kiiara says there is definitely a stigma around anxiety and people don’t understand it if they have never had it themselves. She feels that people think you are being dramatic or overreacting and definitely do not understand that panic attacks actually feel like “there is a boa constrictor around you.” She adds, “They don’t treat it how they should. It's kind of like high blood pressure. No one looks at that like you are crazy. They are just like ‘oh yeah let's fix it.’ It's just treated with no stigma. Whereas people get anything related to mental health [and] they just look at you a little different, or at least that's what I’ve recognized.” She feels she lucked out growing up around medical people (her mother was a nurse) and she knew to treat her anxiety just like high blood pressure or any other medical illness. But, she has seen the effects of stigma in friends and others and it is one reason she wants to talk more about her own experiences.
She also says she did not handle the beginning of her career the way that she “should have,” and does not, as a result, remember much of that period of her life. It all started when she had her tonsils removed early on so that she didn’t get sick as much when she toured. She was put on painkillers and admits she took them long after the surgery, in part, because she was bored and there was so much down time being an artist (going from being super busy to having a lot of time doing nothing). She also says she would be in her hotel room and there would be champagne, so she would drink it, or she would be given a drink out after a show, so she would drink it. She says she kept not making “the best decisions.” Kiiara explains that she had a few “wake up calls” where she was “laying on the ground or the floor” when her studio walked in. After those few times, and ultimately, the shocking death of her friend and mentor Chester Bennington, she decided to “get her shit together.”
Kiiara with her friend and mentor Chester Bennington, the late lead singer of Linkin Park.
She feels that though it was not something that happened overnight and took time, she decided to make the change and it was her decision to finally be the best version of herself. She believes that you can’t change until you are ready and want to, even if you have everyone around you helping and being there for you. You have to find it within.
And, she finally did. She dove deep into nutrition and exercise and says she will run 6, sometimes 8 miles. She also works regularly with a nutritionist and trainer. She adds that she loves to read and just finished the Mila Gray series.
Songwriting and touring are also exceptionally therapeutic for her. She calls the booth her “safe space” and says it gives her a sense of purpose. She doesn’t actually process current events or emotions through writing songs, but says that she might write about things that happened the year prior. Active emotions aren’t ready to be written yet.
Touring, you would think, would be hard for someone with anxiety, but it is just the opposite. She says it gives her less time to be in her own head and more of a routine, which she likes. She explains that otherwise she tends to overthink and that is not good for her, or she feels she needs to find other distractions so she doesn’t get upset over a little thing. On tour, she loves the energy, she loves the structure, and she loves her fans. If she had her way, she would tour every month out of the year and be happy.
She says, “I really miss my fans and can't wait to be back on the road...I hope I'll be able to tour soon.” In the meantime, she hints that she is working on new music, including new features and to keep everyone guessing and excited during the pandemic she adds, “I'll be sprinkling songs here and there when u least expect it!”
While we all will eagerly wait for the end of the pandemic and for the return of live music along with her, we have her new collaboration, Happy Hour, coming on February 5 and any and all future surprise music to help make these groundhog days a bit more bearable. As music itself can help our collective mental health, she might be helping all of us a lot more than she even realizes.
