Cultural differences, Federer and Flight of the Conchords

Without the British, I would never have learned Roger Federer's secret grip. Roger and I once spent three days together. He really is a lovely chap, though even to look at him you'd think "Are you really that good at tennis? My arms are bigger than yours."

That said, put a racket in his hand and he's magic. To have played against him was a dream come true for a graduate of the Howard and Packering Lawn Tennis Club, right next to mum's house. It was then that we shared the secret grip. It was half way between the forehand and the backhand, with a little bit of movement on the thing and you could do both without having to move. I think you'd need to practice a bit, but it was pretty strong. Oh no, I've revealed the secret grip!

I might come to regret that confession but I will never regret coming to the UK. It was there, here, wherever, that it all began for me and I think ultimately it'll all end here too. I did stand-up here for five years, treading the boards of all the different clubs throughout the UK, every nook and cranny of the country. Including Portsmouth where I played to an audience of burly sailors and Russian prostitutes. It was crazy. Without the UK I would never have been asked to appear in a commercial with Roger. Yes, it was a commercial. We weren't real friends.

I have lived in three countries, New Zealand, the UK and the United States. I know the differences between the three. You, the Brits, were masters of the sea. You can't beat a British boat, at least that's what they say. Admittedly, we do have the best sailors in New Zealand, but if you look at who built the boat, well, it's probably a New Zealander as well. But who are they getting their ideas from? They might have got it from an old Viking ship, which someone might have borrowed from a Nordic ship that someone might have borrowed from, you know, a British guy.

What's more you Brits are historic. You come here and straight away you can tell you people have been around a bit, you've trod the boards. And so people come here, they see the castles, the abbeys, the cathedrals and they think, "These people are resilient, they are passionate and they're great at heckling too." If you're going to provide some entertainment it had better be good, otherwise they'll be like, "Be off with you!"

And what about the Americans in all this? The Kiwis can sail, the Brits can heckle, but the Americans? Well they can do portion sizes. Look at America and massive portions strike you from the off. You get a plate and it's like, "Hang on, is that my starter? Forget the mains there mate, I think I've had enough!"

Obviously, the longer you stay there, those plates don't seem so large any more and you grow. You grow. This is one of the things that they have to stop. Now that we find ourselves in a depression, the first thing they could do is cut down the size of their plates. Just make the plates smaller for a start then you can only fit so much food on there.

My character in Flight of the Conchords, Murray, knows all about the differences in culture. He's attuned to it. And in the second series, while he'll face new challenges - from the Australian consulate, the New Zealand prime minister, not to mention his new band the Crazy Dogs – he'll never lose that feeling.

But what about you? Are you awake to the cultural differences? Listen to the three sounds I've created and see if you can match them to the countries. Guess them right, and I'll teach you the secret grip.

Can you guess what it is yet?

Listen hard and concentrate now.